Still here.

I'm still hurting. 

I had a good 7 days of positivity and 3 solid days without any anxiety, but now I'm back here. 

Why is he such a big trigger? Talking about him even makes me panic. And the saddest thing of all is that I feel like I'm cheating on him or something because of just a new friendship with a guy. Why does he still have such a big hold on me? Is it because he still hasn't said never? He still only said he needs time? 

How do you just let go? 

Let go

I'm Tired of crying. I'm Tired of hurting. 

I want you to love me. 

You never did. 

I laid my love, my heart, my soul on the line and destroyed it. You let it go. 

You didn't want me. 

You broke me in a way that I didn't know was even quite possible.

Everything. I gave you everything. You were my everything, would've done anything for you. But you gave up. You walked away. 

I don't want to hurt over you anymore. I'm done. I can't. You tear me to pieces at a rate I can't compete with. 

I need peace from you. Let me let you go. Please. 

Fresh wave

The last two days I felt good. Yesterday was the first time in a long time where I was starting to feel like myself. 

Right now I'm hurting again. Trivial things, it's all part of the grieving process like she said. And I'm allowed to grieve. 

And I'm not crazy. I just need to learn better coping mechanisms. 

Doesn't make the heart hurt any less, but the pain isn't as consuming. Day by day, I'll find me again. 

You fall in love with the wrong person...

When all he said was the right things. But when it got real, his actions showed his true colour. 

Was any of it real? Have you seriously killed all the feelings just like that?? How can you go from wanting me to be your everything, to not wanting me in your life? To not talking to me, to treating me the way she treated you? How can you do that? 

But you know what? You've started a cycle, but I'm going to break it. The next person I love - if ever I can trust someone again after the way you shattered mine - I will love them wholeheartedly and without complexities. I will give my all - like I gave to you. 

Curiouser and curiouser

You know there's something wrong with you when your biggest worry had been finances and you think you've found that you're now eligible for government assistance so finances will be fine and you can't feel any happiness about it. 

Is the masters what I truly want?

Or am I just all sorts of crazy at the moment that I can't feel it? 

Outside looking in

I feel...strange. Like I'm an outsider viewing my own life, staring at someone else making my choices, going through my daily routine, it doesn't feel like mine. None of it does. 

This is a new feeling. It's weird, like I'm disconnected from myself, I don't like it. 

Overall I'm doing better though. The panic isn't as strong, the feeling of no control isn't quite so bad - but is that because I can't feel it because it doesn't feel like it's me? I don't know. 

I think it was the right decision to move, but something doesn't feel right about uni. Something feels off, and I don't know if that's just because things don't feel good right now or whether I'm just scared of doing something and failing? 

There are no guarantees in my life right now and that's terrifying for me. I have nothing I'm in control of. Yes I've been offered an amazing opportunity for university - but is that truly what I want to do? I loved the project, I did, but the publication and analysis side? Did I truly love that? Is that what I want to do with my life? Even then it's not set in stone, if I can't get enough work, even that will fall through.  

But this year is about me being selfish to find myself and do things for myself and to let go of my negativity. I have to trust that things will work out, it's just a terrifying thought.