Post Christmas blues

Not feeling super happy at the moment. 

I just feel 'wrong' I guess, just like something isn't right. 

There were a few things that people said to me on Christmas Day that I think were just jokes but they stung pretty deep. 

I don't even know why I tapped Ralph's nose. I don't do that. I was frustrated. 

I just feel off. And anxious. Still waiting to hear back from three separate jobs/volunteer positions. I just want to now that the new year has something in store for me and not just a job I can't. Stand. 

Still about Riff...

I know I write a lot about Riff, I post about Riff and I instagram and Facebook about Riff. But seriously, he was the greatest dog this world has ever seen. 

He was so dopey and too big for himself! I've spent this afternoon reminiscing about all the hilarious things he's ever done and just keep smiling and giggling at the various thoughts. 

I just love - yes still love, I don't believe you stop loving them - him so very much. 

Stupidest dog around ❤️❤️

I miss my dog.

There's not much else to add to it besides that. 

I miss my dog. 

I miss him everyday. 

I know he's 'just' a dog to a lot of people, but he was never 'just' anything to me. He was my best friend. 

That dog made me laugh more times than I can recall, Gave more kisses then my family combined and was always ecstatic to see me - unless he was napping, in which case he was ecstatic to see me if I came to him (spoilt old dog). 

I know he may not have every understood the words I said, God knows sometimes he liked to pretend he didn't understand 'no' or 'uh', it was the face that he sat there. I told that dog my crushes, when my big brother punched me, when my sisters picked on me, when friends were being mean and when parents were unbearable. He sat beside me as I rambled speeches, plays, practiced choir, he even watched as I practiced dance choro - occasionally he was forced to join in, either as a dance partner, coach, critic or audience. Always there. Always. 

Riff saw me at my darkest times. Times I never let my siblings see, my parents or my friends. None of them. Riff knew about the bulimia, the cutting, the skipped meals and the uncontrolled self loathing, and he didn't once judge me. His face was always the first thing to catch my tears, his ears the first to hear me cry and his chest the first thing I buried my face in. He saw me through my parent's separation, the loss of three other dogs, two major break-ups, and rejections that cut more than long-term relationships. 

Riff ran beside me for kilometres and kilometres, I only ever outran him twice in his peak days and that was pure laziness on his part. He tried to save me when I swam in the pool - apparently my freestyle looked similar to a person drowning. He stole food from me, protected me and pretended to protect me on occasions (some humans and some dogs are scarier than others). 

He would run and greet me nearly everyday - even when he broke his back and was not supposed to move he would, and after surgery when two dogs attacked him, he was sore but he still came to greet me. That kind of love is special. That unconditional, unending, all-encompassing love. 

I miss his smell. I know, gross. He smells like every other dog in the world I'm sure, but it was a comforting smell, and I'm struggling to find any of his things that still have it. 

I miss his kisses. His big, disgusting, slobbery kisses that left you needing a towel to dry your face. They were feral, but there was always one more for you. 

I miss his bark. His big, terrifying bark that has sent children bolting, courier men quivering and gas men laughing (Riff barked at the gas man - the gas man knew what Riff was like so the gas man barked back - Riff ran away yelling and sat behind the shed until I got home from school). The ice cream man's bell used to drive him NUTS! He would run outside barking his head off at it - he hated it! 

I just miss him. I miss my shadow - thats what he was. At home, he never left my side - he would even walk to the washing line with me to 'help' me hang out clothes. Jed and Sean often told me that he would sit, waiting patiently at the gate for me to get home. I miss the companionship, the unwavering loyalty - he was always on my side in debates with humans. I miss him and every part of him. 

I loved that dog in a way that can't be described, and with a bond so strong I'm not sure I could ever replicate it. 

I miss Riff. 

I miss my dog. 

I miss my best friend. 

New direction

I've been employed for another three months in my current position. They told me yesterday I got an extension until the day before Christmas. But I'm not happy or excited about it. 

Not even a little. 

I don't think this is the end game for me. 

I think, and I've put a lot of thought into this but I think I want to do research. I want to get out there and see what's happening and find things before someone else does. 

I want to get my hands dirty, and I want to feel like what I do makes a difference. That's what I got into the degree I did, I want to help and try and mitigate some of the damage that humanity has done. 

The job I do now does not fit that bill. I miss the field work, the long days, freezing nights but the satisfaction at the end of it of finding the answer. 

I think that's what I want to do. 

Lonely

It's been nearly a week without him. And it still doesn't feel real, a part of me still expects him to be waiting for me at the gate when I get home, or snoring in the corner of the bedroom. He's always just been there. And I don't know how to adjust to being without him. When I'm out it seems easier, he wouldn't normally be there anyway, but every time I walk through the gate and he's not there, it's like the wound opens anew. 

I don't want to have to adjust to being without him. It's not fair and it shouldn't have been his time. 

I'm not coping with this. And all I can do is blame myself. This was my decision, this was my choice. No one else made the final call. I don't know how to forgive myself for that. I just keep thinking I could've asked to borrow the money or put it on my credit card. Maybe he would've healed quickly. 

And the worst part is, if I'd taken him to the vets an hour earlier, maybe they could've done the decompression and he would never have needed surgery. 

I know this is all a part of owning pets but how do you forgive yourself after you've decided whether something lives or dies. 

I just miss him so much. 

Creation verse

A poem that always makes me smile -

When God made the earth and sky,

The flowers and the trees. 

He then made all the animals,

And all the birds and bees. 

And when His work was finished,

Not one was quite the same. 

He said "I'll walk this earth of mine

And give each one a name."

He walked over land and sea 

And everywhere He went,

A little creature followed Him

Until it's strength was spent. 

When all were named upon the earth

And in the sky and sea

The little creature cried "Dear Lord,

There's not one left for me."

The Father smiled and softly said,

"I've left you till the end,

I've turned my own name back to front

And called you dog my friend."

❤ I'll meet you at the Rainbow Bridge buddy xo 

A final goodbye.

Today I said goodbye to the best friend I've ever had, my dog, Riff. 

Yesterday he was fine. Absolutely fine. We played and cuddled, bathed him and he ran away from me. He was fine, he was his normal self. Jed's family came over for dinner and he got lots of extra love and attention. But he was still fine. 

Then at 9.30 he vomited and we giggled about it as we though he'd just eaten too much. But for about an hour he couldn't settle, kept walking around. So we let him out again and did it a few more times after that. But it got to about midnight and I knew something was terribly wrong. He couldn't get comfortable, was crying while he was just lying there and his stomach was so hard. 

I called the vets and took him in, he was in so much pain. At about 1am they told me he had a twisted stomach and needed an immediate decompression to try and buy him some time and then after that, it would most likely be surgery. So I went home, a nervous wreck but still with the positive thought in my mind that he was going to come out of this - he always came out of it, a broken back, mauled by two dogs and still he came good. 

But about half an hour later I got a call saying that they couldn't do the decompression because his stomach was too far twisted so surgery was the only option. The surgery was too much, I couldn't afford it and as well as that, he would take so long to recover from such a major, invasive surgery. It wasn't fair to do it to such an old boy. 

So, I made the decision. It was the worst thing I've ever had to do. We got out of bed and made it to the vets a bit before 2am. I would've given anything to have another hour with him, but he was in so much pain and his stomach was swelling while we were there. So I kissed him and cuddled him, told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was to have to let him go. I held him tight and kissed him and spoke to him while they put my baby to sleep. He was so brave, I think he knew, on some level, because there was no struggle, no distress, he just pushed his head into my chest and sighed. 

I loved that dog more than anything in this world, he's been beside me through my darkest moments and made every single day I ever spent with him so much brighter. He was the best friend I could've ever asked for and as much as it rips me to shreds that ill never get woken by that big sloppy kiss, be greeted with that bounding joy and be squished by giant paws, I can rest a little easier knowing my Riff isn't in pain anymore. And that somewhere out there, he'll be waiting for me. 

I'll love you forever and a day Riffy. I miss you and ill never forget you. May angels lead you in buddy xox 

I miss...

I miss animals and wildlife. And taking car of cute and furry critters. I miss learning how they work, what makes them tick, why they do the things they do. I miss it. 

My job is good for the money and I'm learning new things everyday. 

But it's not where I want to be. 

Long day

Maybe it's a long day and maybe I'm just tired. But I had such a fantastic day this morning and now I'm in a fowl as mood. 

Everything he does at this point makes me so irritated and angry - everything! He doesn't go out of his way at all unless it will directly affect him. Even little things - like tonight - I asked him to cook dinner as I was knackered from this morning and I got nowhere. He's obviously had a hard day on the couch. 

I just can't clear my head and I'm just edgy around him at the moment. Just typing this is making me more irritated. 

UGH. So stupidly frustrating. 

Casual

Nothing like a mild panic attack to end your Sunday night.

Beauty.

Dreaming..

I have itchy feet and big dreams...all I need is the money and I'm away.

3 months in Costa Rica...12 in Africa...and a little while in the Kimberley's....life would be sweet if it was cheaper...

..

There's an ache in my chest where my heart should be.

Nothing seems right, nothing feels right.

Everything is just...off.

Work things.

How can one place stress me out so much? I love working there but I just can't deal with the politics anymore. From what I can gather I'm essentially expected to grovel and come up with a bulletproof plan for my replacement as supervisor.

I want a replacement so I don't have to make the silly plans for them anymore. No other work place would expect you to find the replacement for your position when you move on. Apparently within my company it's the only position with that requirement. More specifically only me - no previous staff have had to. Fun.

I'm also finding I'm far more emotionally attached to some of the critters then I wanted to be. One of our babies was sick this morning, I picked him up and it was like picking up a doll. Awful, just loose and floppy with no reaction. He's ok. He'll pull through - vets fixed him up. I just didn't realise how much of an effect those critters had on me! Apparently not as good at staying emotionally distant from them as I thought I was.

That's the side of the job I love though - not the sickness, but the getting to know each individual and their personality. It's something that I would certainly miss. It'll be hard to take any other kind of job after I've had the chance to work so closely with these animals for so long. I'm not sure another job will cut it, but I didn't spend that long studying to wind up there.

Having said that I have no idea where I want to wind up...it's all still unknown..