Taking it back

I talked myself down from a full scale freak out today. 

As usual it was because I was mulling and overthinking things, and is been doing well at letting it be. I could feel myself spiralling, my chest constricted, and it took me a while but I made myself stop. 

I did. 

By myself. 

I've never done that before. I usually just have to wait for it to end, or I cry, or someone distracts me enough that I can't think about it. But I MADE myself stop. Me. 

There is no point in me dwelling on the things I have no control over, I have to try and let it be. I know people have been  telling me this for ages but now I can see it and I think it might actually be a viable option for me. 

Maybe next year truly will be my year? If I can talk myself down from a spiral, I think I can achieve a fair bit of shit. 

I just might actually have this... 

#yearofkels

Find the silver lining.

Some days are worse then others. We can see that. Some parts of the day are worse than others. 

Today wasn't brilliant, today wasn't great, but today was good. 

Tomorrow I start the journey to a new chapter. Even if I'm still not 100% sure what that chapter will be, tomorrow will start me on the road to it. Something will feel right, something will click and things will work out. 

I might whinge like a bitch but I still maintain hope that at some point, it will all fall into place. "All" being the chaos that is my life. No, it's not even hope. I KNOW it will, whether because it happens or because I make it happen. 

I'm going to be ok. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sNNYtm2XJGc

Christmas Day

There is such a loneliness in Christmas. 

I'm happy to be with family but I can't feel it and needed a break from them. Im tired. I am enjoying myself but I feel like it's an act. Like I'm putting it on for them. 

Christmas can be hard it seems, something I never realised. 

I think ultimately I am not happy and my goal for next year is to find my happy again and I'm prepared to do it alone, as terrifying as that is. 

I miss it, so I'm going to find it 🙂

Rejection

There's different forms of rejection, but this one stings the most. 

It doesn't really make sense how in a few days you can go from offering the world to someone to not wanting them at all. 

How does that even happen? 

I never expected the world. I never expected fanfare and glitter. 

I only wanted you. 

Break the cycle

"Tell me the words you long to hear and I'll sing them loud and clear..."

You've given up and you've hurt me, but I know you need to heal. 

I'm just not ready to give up on you though. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mXmqfcyrnJU

New beginnings

It's not going to be that easy, I know that, but I'm done with this year, I'm done with these feelings. It all starts with frame of mind. 

This year has brought more than one heartache, it brought challenges, loss and found me battling myself in ways I thought I'd buried long ago. 

This year I had my trust shattered as it hasn't been done in years and I will have to build it from scratch again. 

I'm hurting, I'm bruised, I'm battered, but I am strong, I haven't been defeated yet and I will not be this year. I might stagger, I might fall, but you know what? I'm going to get right back up again. I will not let my past - and in some cases my present - stop me from being happy anymore. I won't be defeated by this bloody black dog. 

"Okuvlig"