New direction

I've been employed for another three months in my current position. They told me yesterday I got an extension until the day before Christmas. But I'm not happy or excited about it. 

Not even a little. 

I don't think this is the end game for me. 

I think, and I've put a lot of thought into this but I think I want to do research. I want to get out there and see what's happening and find things before someone else does. 

I want to get my hands dirty, and I want to feel like what I do makes a difference. That's what I got into the degree I did, I want to help and try and mitigate some of the damage that humanity has done. 

The job I do now does not fit that bill. I miss the field work, the long days, freezing nights but the satisfaction at the end of it of finding the answer. 

I think that's what I want to do. 

Lonely

It's been nearly a week without him. And it still doesn't feel real, a part of me still expects him to be waiting for me at the gate when I get home, or snoring in the corner of the bedroom. He's always just been there. And I don't know how to adjust to being without him. When I'm out it seems easier, he wouldn't normally be there anyway, but every time I walk through the gate and he's not there, it's like the wound opens anew. 

I don't want to have to adjust to being without him. It's not fair and it shouldn't have been his time. 

I'm not coping with this. And all I can do is blame myself. This was my decision, this was my choice. No one else made the final call. I don't know how to forgive myself for that. I just keep thinking I could've asked to borrow the money or put it on my credit card. Maybe he would've healed quickly. 

And the worst part is, if I'd taken him to the vets an hour earlier, maybe they could've done the decompression and he would never have needed surgery. 

I know this is all a part of owning pets but how do you forgive yourself after you've decided whether something lives or dies. 

I just miss him so much. 

Creation verse

A poem that always makes me smile -

When God made the earth and sky,

The flowers and the trees. 

He then made all the animals,

And all the birds and bees. 

And when His work was finished,

Not one was quite the same. 

He said "I'll walk this earth of mine

And give each one a name."

He walked over land and sea 

And everywhere He went,

A little creature followed Him

Until it's strength was spent. 

When all were named upon the earth

And in the sky and sea

The little creature cried "Dear Lord,

There's not one left for me."

The Father smiled and softly said,

"I've left you till the end,

I've turned my own name back to front

And called you dog my friend."

❤ I'll meet you at the Rainbow Bridge buddy xo 

A final goodbye.

Today I said goodbye to the best friend I've ever had, my dog, Riff. 

Yesterday he was fine. Absolutely fine. We played and cuddled, bathed him and he ran away from me. He was fine, he was his normal self. Jed's family came over for dinner and he got lots of extra love and attention. But he was still fine. 

Then at 9.30 he vomited and we giggled about it as we though he'd just eaten too much. But for about an hour he couldn't settle, kept walking around. So we let him out again and did it a few more times after that. But it got to about midnight and I knew something was terribly wrong. He couldn't get comfortable, was crying while he was just lying there and his stomach was so hard. 

I called the vets and took him in, he was in so much pain. At about 1am they told me he had a twisted stomach and needed an immediate decompression to try and buy him some time and then after that, it would most likely be surgery. So I went home, a nervous wreck but still with the positive thought in my mind that he was going to come out of this - he always came out of it, a broken back, mauled by two dogs and still he came good. 

But about half an hour later I got a call saying that they couldn't do the decompression because his stomach was too far twisted so surgery was the only option. The surgery was too much, I couldn't afford it and as well as that, he would take so long to recover from such a major, invasive surgery. It wasn't fair to do it to such an old boy. 

So, I made the decision. It was the worst thing I've ever had to do. We got out of bed and made it to the vets a bit before 2am. I would've given anything to have another hour with him, but he was in so much pain and his stomach was swelling while we were there. So I kissed him and cuddled him, told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was to have to let him go. I held him tight and kissed him and spoke to him while they put my baby to sleep. He was so brave, I think he knew, on some level, because there was no struggle, no distress, he just pushed his head into my chest and sighed. 

I loved that dog more than anything in this world, he's been beside me through my darkest moments and made every single day I ever spent with him so much brighter. He was the best friend I could've ever asked for and as much as it rips me to shreds that ill never get woken by that big sloppy kiss, be greeted with that bounding joy and be squished by giant paws, I can rest a little easier knowing my Riff isn't in pain anymore. And that somewhere out there, he'll be waiting for me. 

I'll love you forever and a day Riffy. I miss you and ill never forget you. May angels lead you in buddy xox