Words...

She stands alone. The crowd rushes past, pretending not to see her. But she knows they do. She knows they look at her, sees the recognition in their eyes, but they look away. She stays that way, standing there, her pale face vanishing within the mass of people, as though she's not there. As though she doesn't exist. But she does.

She feels so separate from them, like they live in a world different to her own, they rush past, see the unwashed hair, tattered clothes and keep their eyes in front. They're so desperate to avoid contact with her, with anyone, that they don't recognize the beauty surrounding them. But she does.

Deeply she breaths, feeling the crisp, evening air that draws it's cool fingers around her, enveloping her. Slowly she turns her face to the sky and watches as the first glimmering star breaches the grasp of the gloomy clouds. She lowers her face, sees the last touch of day, as the soft, orange glow tries so desperately to maintain it's hold on the world until finally succumbing, letting go, allowing the dark night to take place.

With darkness surrounding her she moves, slowly at first, then with more purpose. She walks until the dark has swallowed everything, until the only light shines from within warm houses, shining on people and conversations she will never know. They don't feel the cold licking at the edges of her worn coat, feel the dampness creeping again into her tattered boots. But she does.

She sleeps alone each night, in a hidden corner of an old church yard, surrounded by overgrown bushes. She has made a home there, feels safe within those walls, feels protected. There's a beauty within the old building. For hundreds of years it has stood against time, although run down in places, you can still see the hours of pain and love in it's design. The glint of sunlight against stained glass windows. She hopes that maybe there is still love and respect like that in this world, that maybe someone will build something else like this and it will be remembered. She knows she won't be remembered. But it doesn't bother her.

She curls into a ball, hugging the faded pieces of newspaper to her chilled body, shuddering. But she is not disheartened. She sees the beauty in the world that the people in their houses miss, while they walked, ignoring her, they missed their chance to absorb the last rays of sunlight in the day, to see the beginning of another night. They missed the scent of roses in the air, carried so gently by the wind, the last flight of the day birds, their colours reflected in the light. As they sit in their houses, they miss the reflection of the moon at night, it's twin resting on the surface of the still lake, then disturbed so swiftly by a tiny insect. They miss it all. But she doesn't.

She pities them. She may stand alone each day but she is not lonely. She takes comfort in the beauty she sees, absorbs it and allows it to ease her broken heart, feels it fill her spirit with strength. She is lost. She knows she is lost, but still she has hope. She will find her way. With the breeze stirring fallen leaves, and the gentle hoot of an owl in the distance, she sleeps.

....

Hurt. Upset. Disappointed.

countdown

26 days till freedom...

Christmas on the brain

I can't stop thinking about Christmas!! I don't know why but I keep having christmas carols going through my head, I catch random whiffs of tinsel (I may be imagining this but it's just weird) and just get a general feeling about the day that it's Christmas time! Weird. It could be coz I'm so excited about being able to buy our very own christmas tree and decorations this year. :-) Bummer is though that Dec 1st I'm working, so I might miss out on putting up mum's tree and possibly dad's but hopefully they make it a weekend thing :-D AAANNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD The night zoo closes on Christmas day!!! Yayyy!!! No 9-5 on Christmas day for this chick this year AND Boxing day is a Sunday so Sean's restaurant is closed. So he doesn't get Christmas day off but a lot of the time his folks do Christmas on boxing day instead! It's exciting! But still so far away. But it's definitely something to look forward too!

On another note I have a Tim McGraw concert this weekend which I am equally stoked about AND one of my closest friends 21st birthday party is on Sunday, so it's going to be a big weekend methinks! But I'm still really looking forward to November 19th. Last day of exams. And then I don't have to do anything except work for 3 months!! No uni! No study! Just relaxing days and work at night. Definitely bring on Christmas.

Oh and just briefly, I've discovered that a large chunk of my lecturers seem a little bit retarded. One of them doesnt' even remember anything that he said, even when you've emailed him and seen him in person. *sigh*

*thinks dreamily of christmas holidays*....

Bad Day

Not having a good day today, feeling a bit down, at that slightly stressed point for the semester, we're moving house this week and I'm nervous about it and to top it all of my self-esteem seems to be crashing. I just don't feel pretty - I feel like I'm gaining weight, that nothing sits/fits right, my skin's gross - it's just not my day. Although, I've been slowly dropping the self-esteem for a few weeks now, don't know why. I just don't feel confident in my looks, so then I just don't feel confident in myself. Maybe it's just a bad patch at the moment, I don't know but I just feel...well, not right. I haven't had feelings like that in a long time.

I just don't like today.

Reserves progress!

Well, I went for my YOU session today to see what I'm eligible for within the Defence Force. Apparently, I'm officer material. Word.

But seriously, it's looking pretty positive so far - this is only the first step. I'll find out if I've been accepted for an interview hopefully in the next couple of weeks as an Operator Supply, which I found out today that no part of the Defence Force can survive without :-D. However, I want to find out if I can do reserves as an Officer...imagine...
I'm a little excited, a little nervous and a little interested in ADFA BUT I've had a look at their courses and there ain't a whole lot there that draws me right in...I'll test out the reserves and see how we go.

But there's progress right there :-D

Reserves

Well, everything was set and my plan was in motion to get myself into the Army Reserves ASAP and then my boss rings to tell me she's picked up a 200pax function on the night of my information evening. So I did the right thing by her and called up and cancelled my evening on the 18th and changed it to about 5 weeks away, which I'm not very happy with at all. AND THEN, she sends me an email saying, oh well maybe we could just bring you in for set up instead!! *sigh* So now I don't know what she's doing and whether she wants me or not and then if I can have the night off I don't know if I can book back into the 18th to do the info night! Frustration!

On a brighter note, I started my new fitness regime today and like a rookie, hurt my shoulder, she'll be right after a good night's sleep though - hopefully. Have to keep myself fit and healthy, I can't really afford to get sick at the moment, especially with so few shifts at work and such a big semester this time. Hmmm, i also need to learn how to be awake in the morning for my classes and lectures. Apparently I don't cope well in the mornings. AND apparently I'm good a chemistry (well the prep class anyway) Scored myself a Distinction :-).

rambling

Come walk with me through a forgotten place,
From broken dreams to outer space,
Where day is night and night is day,
And within the rainbows, shadows play.

Do you remember the children calling?
The taste of stars and daylight falling.
The moon it smelt of summertime laughter,
Returning the sound of ever after....

...

Sometimes I just feel really down, like today. I'm tired, I'm a bit stressed because of this exam and I'm feeling, I don't know...trapped? No, I don't know if that's the right word. I just don't feel right. Hopefully it's just a severe need for a good stress-free sleep.

I'm having doubts about different things and it's hard for me to tell whether I'm just scared, stressed and using that as an outlet or whether they're real. Perhaps a little lost is what I'm feeling, I'm not sure. I know my heart's hurting a bit, but again, I hope it's just a bit too much stress and not enough deep sleeps.

Time will tell.

I need a hug.

Chemistry...grrr

Ahhh Chemistry, I thought that when i started this course maybe I would discover a new found interest in you and finally be able to enjoy and appreciate the science you involve. But no. I now clearly remember why I changed classes in High School. I hate Chemistry. Luckily for me, my chosen career will have very little to do with chem, if any.

I definitely still don't like chemistry. I'm just not interested at all, nothing really sucks me in and captivates me, it's a struggle sitting through the lectures, the most exciting thing about this intensive is the prac classes - because we get to go home early!! Two more weeks, two tests and one exam. Almost there.

OH and the best thing? I took 3 days off work in the final week of semester break so that I can actually have a holiday and it turns out that our final exam date has been changed, to the last day of my small 3 day holiday, so my restful days are now study days. Hooray me!! I think i will be glad when next semester is over - no more chem classes ever after that!! Bring on Christmas!!! :-D

EXAMS ARE OVER!!!

WOOT!! I did it - I successfully completed my first semester of Uni. And fingers crossed to successfully PASSING my first semester of uni - here's hoping!!

It's amazing the difference you can feel with just knowing that you don't have any study to do. I had a coffee this morning with Kat and said at one point - I think I'm gonna have to head off I have to get home. And Kat said - oh have you got stuff to do? and i was like yeah i have...NOTHING at all!! Hahahahaha. It's just a habit - I feel like I'm forgetting to do something studyish but there isn't anything for me to study right now!! Awesomeness.

Three whole days of knowing I don't have to study. Then back into it on Monday. But I'm feeling positive about the chem class. Much more positive. It's only one subject to focus on and I can give it my wholehearted attention. The countdown is on for my one week holiday and I can assure you I will use the time VERY cleverly :-D

Frustrations

Feeling frustrated. These last two weeks have really dragged out with my exams - I've got just one left on Thursday night thankfully but it's just been a long, tiring two weeks.

I'm just feeling frustrated with life more than uni at the moment. I'm tearing my hair out staying out home, but i can't afford to move out - not with Thailand around the corner anyway. I feel like she's suffocating me and that I'm going to snap soon, I can't handle her being the 'victim' all the time, she's not helpless, she's highly capable but she doesn't act it sometimes and I just can't keep my patience. I try. Oh, I try. But I don't want to have to take care of her - I already feel like I have to sometimes and it drives me mental.

I need space and I need to find my feet. Maybe Townsville next year would be ok, although I suppose to find space I don't have to move that far away. But then, if I stay up here will I continue to feel like I have to go round and see her all the time? I don't want to feel like I HAVE to visit, I want to visit because I WANT to.

Think I just need to get out. I'm feeling boxed in.

Exam Time!!

Ok so the nerves are slowly starting to kick in for exams! This will be my first 'official' uni block exams. Eek. I'm feeling confident about some of them, but there's a couple where I'm still super confused about. Stupid SC class, NO ONE likes it anyway!!!

Zoo is making me nervous - but I had a major confidence boost today with that - I managed to get 87.5 out of 100 on my lab report which I'm totally stoked with!! It was a little bit of confidence that I needed to make me feel a little bit better about the 'science' degree as a whole.

I am still envisioning some kind of a freakout in the coming week though just in time for the exams :-) Ah, the wonders. At least i've got all next week to start cramming and then my first exam is Saturday week - which is the day of Relay for Life!! Bummer!! It just means I'll have to turn up late but that's ok. At least it means one down!

So yeah, all assignments done, one prac left for the semester, and then cram-time. I'll probably resurface in like 3 weeks time - but only for a few days. Then the most-wonderful stupid chem block class starts. 4 weeks out of 5 of my holiday. *sigh*

Wish me luck!!!

Lovely Sundays

I had a good day today. I got a bunch of uni stuff done, had a coffee with mum, a cuddle with Claire and got to see the majority of my family - oh and I started the day with a HUGE sleep in.
Good. Day.

Had a moment at dinner tonight, just sitting there listening to the family babbles and I had one of those moments where you just really appreciate what you've got. I'm very lucky :-)

And Seany just pulled up. Maybe this week will be a really good week. Fingers crossed!

Metric - Help, I'm alive

I tremble. They're gonna eat me alive.
If I stumble. They're gonna eat me alive.
Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?

Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft, tough to be tender,
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train

Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer...

Sigh.

Not feeling very cheery today. Still struggling to shake this infection, had a crap running time this afternoon and now just found out there's an awesome concert coming up that there's an incredibly high chance i can't afford to go to. I'm a bit over not being able to afford anything. At least I've got Thailand next January to look forward too, it still feels so far away.

I'm feeling a bit stuck. I need to move out of home but I just can't afford it. I'm starting to feel like one of those sad people that stays at home too long, I hate it!

I don't know maybe I'm just tired and grouchy. I'm just not feeling it at the moment....

Plants shmants

So, haven't done the blog sort of thing in a while and really I shouldn't now - procastinating big time. The problem is that Botany is so completely uninteresting to me. I really don't give two hoots about plants at the moment, of course my views could change but right now - plants? meh!

The other subjects are much the same, dull, but I guess this is the wonder of being a first year - you'd think though that they'd put more first year subjects that are actually the topic of your major ie. in my case zoo classes? One class for first year doesn't seem that fantastic to me, but I've just gotta grit my teeth and bear it. It's a big workload these science classes, and just when I think I've got my head around the bits and pieces, something new and stupid pops up and I'm struggling again, so forget to catch up on the old stuff and end up getting more confused!

So I should stop procrastinating right? Yeah I know...I guess I'll go look at some plants again. Hooray for me.